


The Real Housewives of Hyrule

by Carcinogenetics



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords
Genre: Not for easily offended, Oneshot, Shadow and Raven are a terrifying pair, but then again theres Blue and Shadow, cmon you know the drill read these tags i dont wanna get fucking arrested, crackfic, green blue and shadow should never be in a room together, not for young, raven is for big funni teenager bullshit, raven is their 13-year-old adoptive daughter, this is why i cant have nice things, vio is housewife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24391657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carcinogenetics/pseuds/Carcinogenetics
Summary: Welcome to The Real Housewives of Hyrule, featuring Vio, Shadow, and their 13-year-old adoptive daughter, Raven.
Relationships: Blue Link/Red Link, Shadow Link/Vio Link
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	The Real Housewives of Hyrule

**Author's Note:**

  * For [infjpiper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/infjpiper/gifts).



**here ya go infjarts, this is whatcha wanted**

**thanks for the idea, infj i pretty much owe this to you ~~(im sorry i just cannot spell your full username without my mind pronouncing it like 'fjords' im so sorry i just cant)~~**

**to everyone who isnt infj:**

**im sorry for all that is about to happen**

**nah**

**AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA HAVE FUN**

**~ Carcinogenetics**

\---------

Vio: would you like some chicken, Raven?

Raven: the government is corrupt and we will all soon be plunged into chaos as the rich and wealthy profit off of the labor and suffering of the lower class so yes, i would like some chicken

\----------

Vio: you know Raven, when I was your age-

Raven: yeah yeah i get it mom

Raven: WhEn I wAs YoUr AgE wE bLuH bLuH bLuH kIdS tHeSe DaYs-

Vio: actually, i was going to say that when i was your age i was tasked with the life of all of hyrule with your uncles Green, Blue, and Red, tied to a pole over a sea of lava, taken into an alternate nightmare version of hyrule, and then was forced to face off with the Lord of all demons at the very top of a palace in the sky, so you ought to be grateful for what you have right now

Raven:

Vio:

Raven: i-

Vio: here is your lunchbox now hurry along, you dont want to be late for school

\----------

Vio: and i packed your lunch in your bag and put a nice little note in there just to embarrass you in front of your coworkers

Raven: _H A_

Shadow: end me

Vio: mmm, yes I love you too, honey.

\----------

Vio, texting: SWEETIE DID YOU GET MILK AT THE STORE

Shadow: YES YOU TEXTED ME THE ENTIRE LIST LIKE TEN FUCKING TIMES

Vio: LANGUAGE, SHADOW

Shadow: WERE TEXTING

\----------

Raven: the smell of blood is soothing

Vio: and good morning to you too

\----------

Raven: hey, mom arent you like smart as fuck?

Vio: language, Raven, and yes i suppose i am. Why do you ask?

Raven: well i was thinking... why is dad the one who has the job when youre the smarter one?? like shouldnt you have a shitton of doctorates or smth???

Shadow: hey! im not that dumb..........................

Vio: hmm. Well i guess i decided to let your father do all of the work because i knew that if you and him were left alone together for that long the house would burn down. Besides, I didn't want to make him feel bad by how much i would accomplish.

Shadow: gee, well NOW i feel bad! why you gotta do me like that Vi??

Shadow: wheres the you i met in the middle of the woods???

Raven: what the f-

Vio: hmm where are the lighters?

Shadow: 

Raven: O-

Vio: *raises eyebrow*  
  


Shadow: NO FACE NO CASE *runs*  
  


Vio: SHADOW YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT AND TELL ME WHERE THOSE LIGHTERS ARE-

\----------

Shadow, bursting through the front door: AND SO I SAID-

Raven, immediately: THATS NOT A CAMEL, _THATS MY WIFE_

Vio: i am your husband

Shadow:

Raven:

Shadow, whispering to Raven: _(get a load)_

\----------

Raven, showing Shadow a meme: yo dad

Shadow: *looks at meme*

Shadow: *snrk* go show ur mom hehe

Raven: *goes over to Vio*

Raven, handing Vio her phone to show him a meme: hey mom lookit this

Vio: *puts on glasses*

Vio: *leans back and squints at the screen*

The meme:

Vio: what... what does this mean? did you make this?

Raven: *snickering*

Shadow, whos been watching from a distance: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OHOOO HOOO AHAAAAAA AHAHAHAAHA *slams fists on table* SWEET MERCIFUL HYLIA- OHOOHOO AHHAAAAHHA OH FUCK MY SIDES-

\----------

Raven: hey mom

Vio: yes?

Raven: yknow the dark mirror?

Vio: ...yes

Raven: yknow how dad like fucking DEMOLISHED that piece of shit

Vio: ........................yes

Raven: shouldnt he be like

Raven: yknow

Raven: _dead?_

Vio: yes, but Green, Blue, Red, Zelda, and I-

Shadow: DEATH IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT

Vio: oh dear-

Shadow: TWAS MY LOVE FOR YOUR MOTHER WAS WHAT KEPT ME ALIVE

Raven: *snrk*

Vio, blushing slightly: i-

Shadow: i remember that fateful night in the woods....

Shadow, posing like an opera singer: _“Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.”_

Vio: *blushes harder* i-

Raven: ewwwwww yallre _SAPPY_

Vio: _(you were the one who brought it up, Raven)_

Shadow, stretching one had out to Vio and placing the other on his heart: _“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.”_

Shadow: as i lie there on the floor, i cry _"I DEFY YOU STARS"_ as i stared wistfully into you mother's beautiful, lavender eyes-

Vio, completely red: oh for the love of nayru, eat your dinner

Shadow: _"Oh speak again, bright angel!"_

Vio: SHADOW!  
  


**(A/N: its funny because i fucking hate romeo and juliet)**

\----------

Shadow: ay bro-

Vio: i had your tongue in my mouth fifteen minutes ago dont call me 'bro'

Raven, in the distance: WHAT THE F-

\----------

_AT THE BEACH_

Raven: hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn why do we have to go to the beeeeaaacccchhhhhh

Shadow: yeah, Vi why cant we just stay hooommmmeeeee

Raven: its so nice inssiiiiidddddeeeee

Raven and Shadow, dramatically slumped over: wwwwhhhhiiiiiinnnnneeeeeee

Vio: oh hush i feel like i have two children instead of one

Vio: its good to go outside once in a while; it helps you absorb more vitamin d

Shadow: ~~id sure like some vitamin d if youre pickin up what im puttin down~~

Vio: I- SHADOW! RAVEN IS A CHILD!

Raven: _*dry laugh*_

Vio: ~~besides, Author-chan headcanons us both as asexual so we'll have none of that rule 34 shit here~~

Raven: *FUCKING DIES*

Vio: anyway, Raven, make sure to put on sunscreen. Skin cancer is a serious thing; it can most certainly kill you

Raven: then why put on sunscreen? That just takes the fun out of it

Shadow: HA-

Vio: why are you both like this

\----------

Vio: Raven, come here

Raven: whaaaaaatttttt

Vio: look at this!

Vio: *hold up picture*

Picture: *Raven as a baby* **(A/N: i was going to draw the baby pictures myself but i was like aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)**

Vio: you were so cute!

Raven: oh my goddesses **no im not**

Vio: yes you are!

Vio, putting a hand to his heart: im gonna cry you were so adorable

Raven: e w

Vio: well IM SORRY that you were an adorable child!! I know many people suffer from being so cute

Raven: mom youre so sappy

Vio, still fawning over Raven’s baby picture: i dont even care at this point

—————

**_FAMILY REUNION_ **

Vio, opening the door to the dining hall in the castle: hello, everyone

Zelda: why hello, Vio! Welcome!

Blue: _(oh_ _hylia, its the human wikipedia page and the incarnation of my chemical romance)_

Green: _(thats cool and all, but i dont think anyone asked)_

Blue:

Green: *grins*

Blue: _(...fuck you)_

Green: _(sorry dont swing that way. Actually i dont swing at all but Reds over there so i think youll be fine)_

Blue, rolling up his sleeves: _(yknow what im gonna-)_

Shadow: **yo is that blue????**

Blue: _**NO ITS NOT FUCK OFF**_

Shadow: **_YO ITS LITTLE BOY BLUE_**

Blue: _**CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME AND ILL FUCKING SKIN YOU ALIVE**_

Vio: Blue, PLEASE! We have a CHILD!

Zelda:

Blue:

Green:

Blue: what

Raven, from behind Shadow: ......hi

Red: *gasp* OH MY HYLIIIIAAAAAAAA YOU GUYS HAVE A KID?????????

Red: SHES SO ADORABLE!!!! BLUE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS????

Blue: that im finally gonna go deaf from all of your screaming?

Red: BLUE, WERE UNCLES IM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYY *just fucking tackles blue in a hug*

Zelda: why, Vio, is this why we havent seen you and Shadow in so long?

Shadow: yes we had to take care of this little gremlin

Blue: well dont just STAND THERE! whats her name?

Vio: her names Raven

Blue, bending down to shake Raven's hand: well then hey there Raven. That ball of literal energy over there is Red, my husband. Oh, and uh just to let you know your father is miriam webster herself.

Shadow: pfft haha

Raven, shaking Blue's hand: you mean mom?

Green: PFFFT Vio your daughter calls you MOM!? HAHA

Vio: yes, she does. what, do you have an issue with that?

Green, stifling his laughter: uh no its just,,, thats hilarious

Shadow: yes, tis i, the man of the house! 

Blue: _**and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself**_

Shadow: **imma peel your kneecaps off with your own Four Sword**

Blue: **do it you wont no balls**

Shadow: _**you challenge me?**_

Blue: _**AUF WIEDERSEHEN, FUCKBAG**_

Shadow: **_I DONT SPEAK INVADE POLAND_**

Raven: **AHAHA**

Vio: Shadow!

Red: Blue!

Shadow and Blue, immediately: mkay *sits down*

Raven: i think i like this family

Vio: you guys act like actual preschoolers! cant we set a good example for Raven?

Blue, leaning an arm on Shadows shoulder: cAnT wE sEt A gOoD eXaMpLe FoR rAvEn goddesses Vio youre an actual housewife

Green, pointing to Blue: **I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AHAHAAHAHA**

Raven: you guys are so cool

Blue, dramatically running his hand through his hair: mmmyes yes yes i know i am pretty amazing

Shadow: shut up you overgrown talcum powder commercial

Green: lmao

Vio: you people dont change do you?

Blue: look it up in that dictionary head of yours, you might find it there

Red: oh i havent introduced myself to Raven yet!!

Red, going over to Raven: Hi!!!!! Im Red! Im so happy to meet you!!

Vio: Red, please dont be so upfront-

Raven: umm hi... nice to meet you...

Red: your daughter is so adorable Vio

Vio: thank you, but i dont think she particularly likes being called 'adorable'

Blue: **yeah me neither were one in the same**

Red: but you ARE adorable, Blue

Blue, blushing a lil bit: youre just saying that bc were married

Raven: wait... so mom and dad are married, Uncle Blue and Uncle Red are married, *points to Zelda* are you married to.....

Zelda, laughing: Green? oh no no no!

Green: **i dont got ne feelings**

Raven: **oh damn** **neither do i**

Green: **no feelings gang**

Raven: **no feelings gang**

Blue: **_get a load of this VIRGIN_**

Green: oh shut up Blue

Blue: ShUt Up BlUe bluh bluh

Vio: Blue! stop that!

Blue: bruh

Shadow: bruh

Vio: **Shadow, why are you going along with this?**

Shadow: idk man it just be like that

Blue: thats just how it be on this bitch of a Hyrule

Vio: Blue! Please no cursing!

Blue, raising his head high and cupping his hands to his mouth: _**FUCK**_

Red: Blue!!

Blue: ugh alright fine  
  
Vio: i swear you all are fourteen except for Zelda

Red: hey!

Vio: youre fourteen in a good way

Red: aww thanks!

Blue: _(thats what i fuckin thought)_

Blue: **yo Shadbro how much you wanna bet i can drink this Chateau Romani in 60 seconds**

Vio: BLUE THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE-

Shadow: _**i'll give it 50 rupees**_

Raven, getting excited: _**silver rupee says you cant do it in 30**_

Vio: **RAVEN! SHADOW- I-**

Vio:

Vio: Zelda, i need a glass of wine

\----------

**i think this was funny**

**im pretty sure it was**

**my fbi agents thought it was funny so i mean like**

**~ Carcinogenetics**

/p


End file.
